Reality Recap

Why share all of this instead of handling it privately?

A judge has never ruled or ordered that I be removed from my child's life. 

A Court has not ruled my child be removed from mine. 

There has never been a ruling. Only one temporary order made in January and then a storm of systemic inertia, de facto adjudications by delay, and stalled proceedings.

I have lost access to my child through dominance and postion around a court case, not by decision of the court. 

I am trying to stay the course, no matter what way the course goes as long as it leads to anything other than this. 

If I had the money I would instead hire a wizard of a lawyer to just knock something out in one negotiation. I don't have that money, I've spent what I do or did have on what has been dragged out.  

I offered or requested or asked or begged for mediation, settlement, requests for mediation, negotiation, or any proactive steps to move forward. I have never received an answer over one hundred of these requests.  

If you don't want to be in court, why are you? After filing for divorce, which does not require litigation, litigation was initiated by the other party. I am obligated to it legally because it is supposed to function as a way to find resolutions but in my case it has served the opposite.

Why didn't you just get divorced quietly? I would have done that. 

Can’t people get divorced without a judge? I heard about that.

Why won't you just go to mediation? I would love to. This requires another person. I’ve asked to do this a whole lot for a long time. 

What is taking so long? I don't know. I have been here the whole time.

Why are you still fighting? Which thing?

Why can't you just let it go? I would love to. 

Why are you spending so much money on this? Legally obligated. 

Why don't you just accept the situation and move forward? I don’t accept life without my child. 

Why can't you just do what the judge wants and make this all go away? I did. I mean, at the start I definitely was like ‘um, excuse me but you have not met my child’ but then I realized that didn’t matter and I have been in compliance as much as humanly possible aside from when I go weeks without an answer about my daughter’s life and my patience starts to really wear thin and I want to go on a street corner with a sign that reads “excuse me I do not know what my child ate today or yesterday or this month” and then I kinda sort of message her father with kind of sort of rage about the whole withholding all information about her life and refusing to schedule visits and I feel justified in the moment but regret it immediately because he screenshots those moments and sends them to his lawyer and my family and friends so that the version of me who is behaving as well as a mother could in this situation is obliterated by the moments I get mad. 

If you cooperate, won't the case eventually be over? At present I would give my leg to be told what to cooperate with so that I could do that thing. 

Why are you challenging things? I kind of only challenge patently false information because I feel like my dignity is an investment I want to save for a rainy day.

Aren't you making things worse by continuing to fight? Which fight. There is a lot of fighting with those who come to me to tell me about me having gotten their information from another person. So, I stopped or lessened trying to correct it because it caused fighting but then becoming quieter made more talking so I talked again and I probably sounded fight-y but was maybe heartbroken and desperate. But then there are some real fights with my own loved ones and those have been so strangely similar ever since my daughter’s father became violent but started telling people I was insane and hallucinating violence.

Why can't you work within the system instead of fighting the system? I am. Participation is the key to harmony.

If you believe you're right, why don't you just prove it in court? I posed this question to myself and am angry at it already. Wfheuirghfewuirghweriguh. 

Didn't you file for divorce? Yes.

Didn't you start this? This as in court stuff - no. I did start the process of a divorce without dreaming I would end up in court.

If you filed the case, why are you complaining about being in court? I filed the divorce not the case.

Why can't you work while the case is happening? I can and do and just like any war of attrition this is a financial issue of volume and time.

Were you ordered to go to an inpatient hospital? No.

Were you hospitalized because of this case? No. But I did try to make things move along by voluntarily going to the inpatient check in four or more times. Unfortunately they did not want me. Double unfortunate because the doctors and staff used my medical records and whole history in tandem with the assesments which sort of put a hole in the 'she is crazy because she made up abuse' position as their own records had a quaint private file for alllll the shit they keep confidential for people's safety. 

Were you found mentally incompetent? Today, yes, that was adjudicated by me. In general, no. I have a really crisp packet of documents thoughtfully made by professionals that refuse to agree with a few non medical doctors. Now, if we are asking if I am going out of my mind with grief from missing my child's life? Yes, yes I am. I know a really great cure. 

Were you found unfit to parent? No and it never came up until court was in session. 

Were you diagnosed with something that made you unsafe? No. But, please read my essay on the trials of a court evaluator and a five thousand dollar price tag that resulted in me getting actual clinical diagnosis testing and assessment to arrive back at where I started which was - no. Not unsafe.

Is your mental health the reason you lost custody? If we mean the good health where a parent is mentally able to act on behalf of risk assesment to their child? Yes, my mental health was in top shape for that. I think the problem was I was tooooooo healthy that it was suspicious. Sort of kidding, but no. I lost *temporary* custody for reporting and acting in the directives of professionals after a disclosure of abuse. 

Are you refusing to get help? I want my street corner sign to read 'why are you refusing to help me?' And no, I love help - small caveat - after living with constant verbal abuse for years I am not good at being told about me instead of asked, so I can get spikey when 'help' is offered without information, understanding, education, and a full scope outside one persons story. Otherwise, I am a loud and proud therapy going, program working, flawed human. 

Did you withhold the child from the other parent? No. The only times I have done that have been directly related to safety issues. 

Did you refuse parenting time? At the start I got in big ole’ trouble because I thought - oh everyone will understand that my child is three and has an injury and feels scared. They didn’t because it wasn’t play group therapy. 

Did you make an allegation? I made statements of fact based on a shared lived experience with domestic violence. Separately I made a mandatory report which is not an allegation or an accusation. A report is what you make when you were not witness to possible harm but use reasoning, logic, context, and history to determine the validity of concern. 

Did you coach the child? I really wish I was capable of this because I would have told her to say absolutely nothing until we were legally in the clear. But, no. Not my style. People seem to know this about me and so the running gossip that one Freud monster tried to agree with was that my child disclosed things by nature of osmosis. As in, being near to me caused her to lie. Or something similar totally supported by decades of developmental science and research. Really wild how special we are that with the statistics of domestic abuse and child disclosures that we are being treated like any average Jane Doe instead of the truely unique case we are. I wish Bowby or Piaget was still alive to weigh in.

Did you manufacture the allegations? Reports and no. 

Did you make the allegations because you wanted custody? Report. No. I very much wanted our child and still do in many ways to have a relationship with each of her parents free of feeling she needs to choose one or the other. Her father is hers. It is not a matter I want to play God about. My job is to keep her safe and loved and that is what I was always doing to the best of my human efforts before a court took her away from me completely.

Has a court found that the allegations were false? No. And let's talk about this. Criminal matters should not be adjudicated in civil court. Additionally, some odd 3-5 % of abuse cases are moved to level of prosecution. Parents do not report to criminalize someone. They are supposed to do it because it is illegal not to and because it tells a child they matter. 

Has a court found that the allegations were fabricated? Reports. No. Additionally, I am not capable of fabricating notes made on medical records. 

Has a court found that abuse did not occur? I am not entirely sure. I think so? During the first hearing? In a ten minute breakout? With lack of preparation?

Why didn't you call the police? They stopped taking my calls. But seriously, last time I was told to call for a wellfare check after not having any information about my child for an extended period the responding officer offered the other party the option to press charges against me for harrasment. However, I have grown to really appreciate MNPD overall after learning about civil court. 

Why didn't you leave sooner? I did it as fast as I could.

Why didn't you leave immediately? I did. My issue was in the return. I kept doing the return part wrong. 

Why didn't you take the child somewhere safe? I did. Probably nearly every month or so until we moved out for good. 

Why didn't you tell someone earlier? I think I did? I was pretty sure the whole thing was a big mix up and all would be well soon. 

Why didn't you just keep quiet? I am admittedly not good at this. However, back when I was sure that everything was a big mix up and would be fixed, I was loud about my fears and did not speak of specifics because when everything returned to normal (which was sure to happen) I did not want the details to be seared into other memories. Honestly I did not want to be judged for not leaving sooner and I didn’t want my daughter’s father to be judged after he made a miraculous turnaround and we all healed together like a wellspring of hope. 

It seems confusing. Yes, that is because when my husband became violent he started separately telling my loved ones I was dellusional from being postpartum and I *thought* there was abuse. Simeltaneously he was telling me that he was confessing his actions to those same loved ones and I felt like his accountability was a good place to work from while I had my hands and breasts full. 

Why didn't you just agree? I agree. 

Why didn't you just apologize? I’m sorry. And I am actually most sorry to my whole family. They did not choose this. My daughter did not choose this. Even in extreme hurt and feeling betrayed, this absolute carnival of obscuring basic fact has evolved into such destruction and hurt for everyone. Everyone is hurting, even those who hurt me. The main player able to make changed with me seems to never be in the room when everyone else is fighting.